He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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