The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
