Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
