You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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