So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You are the jesus of drinking
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize