Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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