A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just want nice things and good sex
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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