either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Less talking, more tequila
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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