i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
