I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
