Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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