theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
