Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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