good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
