Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
