Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
