i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
