I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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