So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
