On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Randomize
