good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
