In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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