don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
