so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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