bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
