my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
