my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
