I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
