just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize