Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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