hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
