She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Can't talk, ducks in the car
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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