You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
