Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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