I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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