I murdered the dance floor call the cops
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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