my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
