I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
