Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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