Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
