Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
