Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
