How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
