I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
You can't motorboat a personality
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Randomize
