I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
