Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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