Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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