Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize