Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I think my moral compass just broke
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
