I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
