Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
