I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
