I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
