theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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