I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Randomize
