Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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