literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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