Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I think people are normalizing furries
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
