had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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