I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
i think i just lost a toe
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
