and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
