So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize