A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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